I was no longer a girl or a person. I was a puppet who would spew out whatever made me seem like I wasn’t as vulnerable as I really was.
When you don’t realize that you’ve spent your whole life trying to change your gender.
The first thing you should know about me is that I am a girl. Well, I am a woman, but you get the picture. As of right now, I am proud and content with whom I am as a person, and as a woman.
However, it wasn’t always this way and it still is never easy.
Being a woman comes with many inconveniences. For example, the fact that I have to call them inconveniences. From the way we speak to how we choose to dress and how we act. We are judged every day of our lives by a society that continuously tries to mold us into perfect docile shadows. There, but never seen.
I didn’t realize any of this until I was 18 years old, and by then I had tried to change myself for years. I didn’t realize that I shied away from being seen as overbearing or rude when boys dominated the conversation, although, these traits seemed to be admired and respected when displayed by the opposite gender.
Until I unconsciously started to emulate them.
I became loud and boisterous, even though it made me cringe inside. I interrupted everyone when they spoke.
This was just the beginning.
I started dressing differently. I always loved the goth scene but never felt brave enough to wear it outside, so my style left much to be desired. With nothing to lose, I started wearing looser clothes. I cared less and less about how I looked. I mean, what was I? A girl? Pfft.
I started to value the males in my life more. I took their word on everything —from relationships to school to what the best show on television was. Even when they would talk about girls and sex in a degrading way, I would nod along, and laugh at all the right parts.
I was no longer a girl or a person. I was a puppet who would spew out whatever made me seem like I wasn’t as vulnerable as I really was.
I spent years subconsciously picking up the little clues the world left me that told me what I had to offer wasn’t and would never be as valuable as what a man had to offer. No matter how smart or beautiful I was, it wouldn’t matter. My ideas, perspective and personality would all be better if they came from a man.
Go figure.
These negative beliefs warped my perception of myself as a woman for a very long time. They told me what I was, what I could do, and what I couldn’t.
Be courteous, sweetheart. Be grateful, darling. Be gracious, honey.
I let the world be condescending to me. Until I degraded myself. I allowed myself to believe that there was no value in being what I was. As if I was a disease that needed to be quarantined from the general population, lest they be infected.
In the years I spent trying to be a guy, I was in so much pain, until one day it hurt too much to be anything other than what I was.
Now, I know that being a girl was hard, but being a woman is harder. But it’s less tiring when you learn to accept that you are flawed perfection. Surround yourself with amazing people, pursue your passions and tune out the world. Learn to listen to the awesome woman you are.
Today, I am a happy and proud woman. I wouldn’t change a thing.
